I’d like to
take a few minutes to tell you what I’ve been through the past two years.
In the last
almost two years, I have seen God working vigorously in my life. Early 2011, I
wasn’t in a great place and in fact it was a terrible and dangerous place. I
was not living how anyone should,
let alone a “Christian”. I moved away to Leura for university which was a
terrible move because I was moving away from friends, family, church – my whole
support system. And I moved away from God. I knew how God wanted me to live, I
had learnt it my whole life! I was just being stupid and ignoring Him. Don’t
get me wrong, uni was fun and I met some amazing people. But the way I was
living was damaging – physically and spiritually. I started living for quick
thrills instead of Jesus. I kick myself now because back then I KNEW it wasn’t
good.
And then in
about July of 2011, I found out I was pregnant. I had news that should be so
exciting… but I was so ashamed.
More than
that, I knew I was going to bring up a baby more than likely without a dad.
This isn’t the way life is supposed to go!
I felt dirty
and horrible. My reaction was to run away from everything. I thought I would be
the biggest disappointment to everyone. The next few months were some of the
hardest months I’ve ever experienced. It was tense at home, I didn’t want to go
out with friends because I hadn’t told them and didn’t want them to know or
find out, I didn’t want to be alive. But I had this new life growing inside me.
I had mixed feelings as I came to terms with this. I was ashamed but knew I had
to be there for this little one who would be so dependent on me. I had no way
out.
Mum and Dad
saw that I needed to be shown love. Mum took me to a women’s event at
Church@thePeak – where I go to church now – and it was a day of “beauty”. I
went away from that day having heard that God thinks I’m beautiful no matter
how much I sin and no matter how much I have ignored him. All he wants is for
me to turn back to Him. He wants me to be saved. It was a little nudge.
I then
started going to church at Cross Connect in Beverly Hills and at Church@thePeak
in Peakhurst. At the time they were doing a series on the book of Romans – and
one week I heard that “no one is righteous, not even one” – We’re not perfect.
No one is perfect. We stuff up. We make mistakes. And this is exactly what I
had done. I had stuffed up big time. It was clear that there was a huuuge need
for forgiveness. And then the next week I heard “but now a righteousness from
God has been made known – this righteousness comes through faith in Jesus
Christ”. The forgiveness I need every day is right there. The sin that I do
every day has been taken away from me. I would be right with God if I put my
faith in him – if I believed that God loved me that much that he sent his
perfect son to die, ultimately defeat sin and then to rise again in order to make
me perfect in his eyes so that I can
go to God’s perfect Heaven and enjoy it for eternity. It was pretty obvious
that God was trying to talk to me – to tell me that I was His and that He
wanted me to come back to Him.
And then it
got to a point where I had to tell everyone.
And an
amazing thing happened – not one person said anything horrible to me. Everyone
just loved me. My family was
amazing. My friends were amazing. Strangers were amazing. And it meant so much.
And there it
was… the excitement that is meant to come with the news “I’m having a baby!”
Everyone was so excited for me… Hang on a second… I was being congratulated?!
I started to
see it – What better way for God to get my attention other than that? Yeah, it
was awful in the beginning, but I obviously needed a big kick up the butt – a big
wake up call. And I get this amazing prize out of it.
And then the
26th of March rolled around…
At 7.58 on
that Monday morning I heard his first cry…
I saw for
the first time this beautiful, scrunched up and puffy face…
I saw the
little feet that had been kicking me in the ribs just minutes before…
God has
given me this beautiful little boy who I love with my whole entire heart, who
has changed my understanding of love completely.
I named him
Ezekiel. When I was choosing a name, I tended to lean towards the more classic
names, but the more I thought about this name that, originally, my brother had
suggested to me, the more it made sense.
Ezekiel is a
prophet from the Old Testament in the Bible. He had the job to tell God’s
people to turn back to God – to trust God through the tough times that were
ahead – to tell them of God’s promise to them of a future salvation and to tell
them that God didn’t want them to die – he’d rather see them saved.
I felt that
this baby boy did for me exactly what that prophet did for Israel. If I hadn’t
have fallen pregnant, I might not be where I am today. I might not have gone to
church. I might not have heard that God loves me, thinks I’m beautiful and
wants me to be saved.
Every day, I
am blown away by the fact that, even though I screwed up so badly and continue
to screw up, I am actually perfect in God's eyes. I’m forgiven. And I want to
tell everyone this story of mine, because I want you all to know that exact
thing. I want you to know that you are loved by God. He wants us to be in
Heaven with him. He wants us to turn to him and follow him out of this mess
called sin. I was in a destructive place but God used Zeke to get me out of
there and bring me back to Him.
Now I’m in
the best place ever with God. And I now understand the purpose of God teaching
us the way to live. He created the
world, He knows how to live in it, He knows the consequences of not living
that way.
But He also
knows we’re not perfect and so He
has provided the solution.
It’s right
there.
We just need
to trust Him.
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